For some of you that have inquired and whom I have spoken, the learned Judge's address is reproduced herein for your easy reading. It will be posted in my blog for a bit. Do be inspired.
Address by YA Dato' Vincent Ng Kim Khoay on marriage of his son, Mr. Michael Ng on 30 November 2007
Y.Bhg. Datin Hamidah Chong, the graceful representative of YAA Dato’ Abdul Hamid Haji Mohamad, President of Court of Appeal and Acting C.J., Puan Ambiga Sreevenasan, Chairman of the Malaysian Bar Council, my brothers and sisters at the Bench, my former brothers and sisters at law for over a score and six years, Tan Sri-Tan Sri, Dato’ Sri-Dato Sri, Dato’-Dato’, Datin-Datin and my very dear friends.
Surely, this auspicious occasion must concern the marriage couple and the societal institution of marriage. About the bridegroom: from the locale of tonight’s function you may have observed that my son Michael is an incorrigible environmentalist. He rejected air-conditioning and has chosen to make this public declaration of his union with his beloved wife in this wonderful romantic setting of green grass, natural fresh air, a hoped for starry skies, ivory coloured upholstery for the table and chairs placed before a cool water backdrop and all conjoined with soft lilting string instruments music. I thought I had guided Michael to focus and plan correctly. Little did I know that he could focus so well, so as to be in accord with the future trend of greening the Earth, and planed the whole works before he left or Australia. Furthermore, his fixed focus did not, even for a moment, veer from the question of a good father’s duty – which he is fully conscious he himself would have to assume about 30 years hence – that is, to pick up the tab for all these relaxed ambience where even the mosquitoes have deserted us.
Now, let me make some observations about Michael’s Adelene, the chosen one. Michael first met Adelene during my first tour of duty as a judge in Penang (for 4 ½ years) when he was in Form 3 at St. Xavier’s Institution. Three months before he was due to sit for his SPM exam, I was transferred (of course not at my request) to Kangar, Perlis. Michael had, though under protest, to follow us yet he kept in constant contact with Adelene. After 2 years 10 months I was transferred to Alor Star, Kedah where I served for 2 more years before I was persuaded by Y. Bhg. Tun Mohamad Dzaiddin to move down to Kuala Lumpur to head the Commercial Division. I must say that it turned out to be a privilege to serve Perlis and Kedah. It is of interest to note that good judges like Y. Bhg. Dato’ K.C. Vohrah, YA Dato’ Hishamuddin, YAA Dato’ Alauddin, YA Dato’ Ariffin Zakaria and even the late Tun Suffian have served in Alor Star.
Alor Star was then an attractive town to be transferred to – perhaps attractive to the transferor rather than the transferees, if I could use the such a term. Of course, if we are short of words we could always say “correct, correct, correct, correct”. All the years that I was in Kangar, Alor Star and Kuala Lumpur, Michael still kept in close contact with Adelene. My wife and I often wondered why their relationship was on such abiding and firm footing. His attention and focus was never, even for a moment, averted to any other girl. I couldn’t appreciate the reason why this was so until we got to really know Adelene, after a few years. Clearly, the reason is that Michael’s girl is so much like his mother, in character and disposition. Of course it is my hope that Adelene has chosen Michael because he so much like his father, but that would be presumptuous of me. Well, as many have said: “Michael is a chip of the old block”. If you know my character, need I say more?
Young single women today faced a serious problem when it comes to finding a prospective husband, due to the following observations. It has been said that “Fifty per cent of all available men are married or spoken for. Another 30 per cent are gay and a further 10 per cent are jerks. This would mean that single women have so little choice as they are running around trying to attract only 10 per cent of men”. You may, through your own observation, assign your own percentages to the above, but the gist of this observation is not wholly baseless. Then, there is also this audacious but humorous comment by a wit as to why ladies today are still single: “Nice men are ugly; handsome men are not nice; handsome and nice men are gay; handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married; men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money; men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money, think women are only after their money; handsome men without money are after women’s money; handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think women are beautiful enough; men that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money and who think women are beautiful, are cowards; men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank god are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!; men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in women when they take the initiative. Now, who the hell understands men?”. So, having carefully observed and tested the character of Michael and Adelene, I am convinced that they are indeed within the lucky 10 per cent in their mutual choice.
Let us consider the institution of marriage, of which much have been said and advised. Cyril Connally says that: “The particular charm of marriage is the duologue, the permanent conversation between two people who talk over everything and everyone. A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short”. Don Fraser and Doug Larson have opined that: “A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it” and “More marriages survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” On the other hand let me now quote the famous centenarian Mr. George Burns who declared: “Lots pf people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It’s simple – we didn’t do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you’re out of business.” This man lived to 101 years old. I don’t believe him, so I won’t live to a hundred – perhaps only long enough to write my memoirs. But he is a comedian who would think you are crazy if you believe him. Then, there is one Mr. Ogden Nash who wrote that: “To keep your marriage brimming with love in a loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you are right shut up”. Well, if you agree with his last advice, don’t marry a good judge, for he will never shut up if he thinks he is right.
To all those who have irretrievably tied the knot my advice is to be fair and gracious to each other and think positively. And, to all those who intend to commit themselves to a marriage partnership, do chose a spouse with the right genes. Here you have a choice, unlike what I have said about how to be a good judge: “it is easy, just have the right genes”. The following excerpts from my address to the Perak Barristers of the Inns of Court, London at a dinner in Syuen Hotel, Ipoh on 16th February 2001 (see (2001)2MLJ pg.xxxvii), could bear recall:
“In this critical periods of judicial history, what, you may wish to ask, are the essential qualities of a judge? In my opinion, when considering a candidate for this high office, which exclusively involves the dispensation of (and not dispensing with) justice, the qualities to look for are in the following order of priority: (i) intellectual honesty with unquestionable probity and integrity; (ii) analytical prowess; (iii) industry and a good command of language; (iv) knowledge of the law; (v) judicial temperament; and (vi) a keen awareness of the prevailing milieu or conditions in the society in which he or she functions. The first two qualities are innate, and the rest may be acquired. In this regard, I wholly support the Bar’s view that in order to ensure objectivity in the evaluation of a potential candidate’s suitability for appointment as Judicial Commissioners, or for confirmation and promotion of judges, he or she should first be vetted by a worthy and credible selection board” (now taken to mean a Judicial Appointments Commission).
We certainly have in our midst good judges who, for the sake of this beloved nation, would inexorably march to their personal calamity in answer to the call of their immutable genes.
It is an incontrovertible truism that every act of integrity, compassion, unflinching courage and sacrifice demonstrated to our children would encourage them to emulate our example. What will matter is how long we will be remembered, by whom and for what, and whether our children will be proud to declare the name of their father. Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity they think of you. A further observation in that, couples who are happily married have learnt to live with their spouse with tolerance, even though their patience might wear thin at times. They have accepted each other’s faults and are willing to compromise. Life brings unpredictable circumstances; happiness, sadness, success, disappointments and failure – all these are part of sharing a life together. You do not need to love your in-laws if they are unlovable, but your relationship with them must always be fair and correct. It is wise to always bear in mind that your spouse and children are watching you - silently.
As there are many good judges here, sitting or retired, who grace this occasion, I must take this opportunity to venture this comment. The judiciary has been criticized by members of the public at most functions, even our friends and secretaries tell us so. But let me say this : our only shield against such lambasting is to administer justice with good conscience as reflected in our written judgments. I must congratulate those judges who have written such good, honest-to-God judgments. It is perhaps appropriate to quote what Julian Huxley has to say about the eternal permanency of the written word: “By speech first, but far more by writing, man has been able to put something of himself beyond death. In tradition and in books an integral part of the individual persists, for it can influence the minds and action of other people in different places and at different times: a row of black marks on a page can move a man to tears, though the bones of him that wrote it are long ago crumbled to dust”. Since this is true, it would thus follow that our children and grand children would have to live with the good or the bad that is reflected in our written judgments. We do not write to please anyone but only the Judge of History and the Judge of Conscience. It is now obvious to the wise and perceptive that we are inhabitants of a globalised world governed by the dictates of an IT driven cyberspace, where there is hardly any shelter for the corrupt. The above quotation by Julian Huxley was crafted in very potent language. So also was the following words of the late Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., a great orator, that will ring in my ears until I draw my last breath: “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character.”
Indeed, I believe that our beloved nation would never be one nation until the majority of its citizens abide by Rev. Martin Luther King’s dream. Now, in the context of the institution of marriage, I would add that it is the character of your spouse that will determine the fullness of the content of your happiness. It is good to have a way with words, like Martin Luther and Julian Huxley. It is not so good to have a way with women, because your good wife would not be happy and you may be accused of being a womanizer or a dead wood, hence not promoted; of course, the real reason may perhaps be that you do not have a way with men.
Lots of advice to the married couple from me, but I have a wish. My wish is that, at the end of a long and fruitful day in their lives together, my son could hold the same sentiments of his wife as I do of my beloved – of whom I have this to say, and I say it now before all of you. Providence has indeed endowed me with the perpetual freshness of her extrinsic beauty and more importantly, the beauty of her intrinsic character. She is totally incapable of any rancour or spite to anyone, while generous to a fault with her abiding love for me and the children. Certain kinks in the character of most men are often only tempered by the sensitive tact of a perceptive wife. Talking about irascible men, yet I may be genetically programmed to excel such men on this score at times. Many husbands think that their good wives are skillful only on the mundane irrelevant things in life. Little do they realize that it is precisely the mundane features of life such as the emotional support derived from wifely companionship through fair and foul weather, that is not only relevant in this turbulent world, but would keep their husbands on even keel. Yet if, upon reflections during interludes of quietude, a husband could appreciate this salutary feature of his relationship, his marriage would develop into a blissful tryst with destiny. I am indeed fortunate not to have to look elsewhere for love or solace, being ever so grateful to God for this masterpiece of His creation, that has so fortuitously come my way, to walk with me, hand in hand, in my sole and solitary journey through this Earth.
I must thank my honoured guests who have so graciously taken time off to be present here tonight to grace the occasion. The invitation was perforce, extended to only such a limited number of our friends. This is a truly small party where all of you have clearly reciprocated so graciously to my hand of friendship by being here tonight, mindful that some of my invitees could not be present due to the sacred call of duty to perform the Haj. This is what I would call the strength of significance in small numbers. My sincere thanks to all of you here tonight.
